light

a few days later

lots of family time

the light shines

The family feels back to "normal"

I say normal very loosely!

Visits with Santa,

chocolates made,

bird feeders hung

mornings of breakfast together

birthday parties celebrated

Truthy always with a book
Cedar always counting with addition

Orien always being thankful and full of love

This is where I want to be

where we are

ElfYourself - Hip Hop ElfYourself

ElfYourself - Hip Hop ElfYourself

Thanksgiving Weekend

Lost

I have this feeling of being lost. After such rushing feelings of intense love with new babes, my babes, etc..We started a new week. It seems the off rhythm of holidays, play, daddy home, me working.... had been all that much fun but in the same that intense for 3 kiddos. How many times do we have to over do excitement to realize rhythm is essential. Does the sun take a break, does the moon rise in the morning? We would think that absurd but playing all day, never resting, why do we keep doing this??

And so Monday came and went....we started over...we found our rhythm,,walking, singing, playing, cleaning, resting, dancing and so one. BUT it still doesn't feel right. I am lost. Lost at home to continually notice all the signs from Cedar saying "this isn't right.." play with me more" I think I still believe that I am mixing structure with rhythm and thinking that he needs structure..BUT am wrong. And so I am discouraged, lost, and again starting over. But in some way feel a sense of relief. Letting go again to allow my little people to guide me in the direction that flows from the heart...(if I can keep my heart leading and not my impatience)

And so Tuesday we did it differently, We walked but also did a craft in the morning....and Jody and I are analyzing this daily. How to focus on our family. Jody surprised us today with a home made advent calender. Each day we open a new "to do as a family " activity! I love this. Our family is first. We wrote letters to Santa and I could see the magic as the boys went to bed wondering all the possibilities that lie ahead over the next 25 days...and am thinking maybe we need to keep this up from month to month.

So as lost as I am there must be a....light

cheers to more family and less....craziness

holding him

i heard the news of another baby born
yet there is never just another
each so significant each so different each the same
When i heard the news memories rushed
of each of our babes...of that intense feeling
Perfect, Pure,
Love
the kind of love that holds a heart so tight that nothing can come between
that awakes the whole mind, body, spirit

And then I held him. And he was just that
new with wrinkles
soft with strong bone structure
old soul who he has been here before
And then that thought of freezing all of this

of freezing my family.,,and then i realized I really only need to freeze this
Age will come, life moves forwards, out of control babies to adults
aging, changing, coming, going
but this I hold so tight
and held my babies all the tighter today
with Pure Love

simply driving

driving home from another dance class. Up the 2 mile stretch to our house. The drive we do day in and day out. Driving past the dead deer that had been hunted, slaughtered, and his remains left on the road...for all to see. Lazy hunter I guess. skin, fur, feet, legs, all the unwanted body parts. Apparently this hunter needed not to take anything but the meat and head. Is this trophy hunting? Apparently that is what was good. Seeing this my gut reminding me why I cant hunt or eat meat. Or maybe it is the fact that just 24 hours earlier within feet a handsome buck had us stopped in amazement. His beauty and strength. The laughter, smiles, from the back seat left us grinning. Now dead. What seemed to be abuse, no ceremony, no proper burial.

And that is when the chatter began. Death. Cremation. Cemeteries. I can tell this is a confusing thing for the boys. Dying means what exactly. And then Cedar decided the you get old and die...or as it should be. Dying of old age. How old when we die?"... Me.."you all have many adventures ahead." Thinking please let these kiddos have endless years of healthy, exciting adventures!
Then Cedar " How old is Great Grandma Ellen?" "Oh she is older 80 something..", Cedar "When is she going to die?" me "oh sometime but not now."
Orien pipped in "I don't want to die."....pause....."Mommy I don't want you to die.".....me "Oh I won't...with a tear hidden....and a conversation ended....

Cedars first attempt at snowboarding