Lessons still unlearned

There are times I feel like a preschooler.

Still quite foreign to this whole human role, especially the mommy role. I think of Cedar and Orien often and have to remember that they are truly figuring out how to be human...how to be a person, respond with emotions that are "acceptable,"sadly hiding many as they age, and finds that we surly aren't allowed the freedom of 3 yr old tantrums much past 3. Why not I ask myself from time to time as I know Cedar must think tantrums are normal watching his mommy freak out about something unimportant but in the moment the only reality in sight.

He has to find where being patient can help. The idea that everything isn't going to come with
instant gratification. Again I understand that to him time is "now" and only now. Something I as an adult would like to be able to go back to. That the only thing important is "now" and that all other lists, people, plans can wait because truly living in the now would make so much more since. But the human way is full of focusing on the future or past. We must be crazy to spend all of our time waiting for the tomorrows or focusing on the yesterdays. To Cedar there is the now, the nap times, and the after nap time nows!!! No such thing as days and hours, who needs them!

Another learning... why we chat with total strangers. The how to smile at the stranger that we pass, because who really want to see anyone in any emotional state except the happy....for instance today as I got out of my car and a man kindly walked by and said hello I did as I should and said "hello" back. To Cedars response, "why did that man say hello? Does he love you??" Funny I thought but now realize another learning to him. Strangers are people who can be kind and they don't have to know you at all to chat with you!

It seems as these leanings are simple...but as a trained "human" that is where I too feel like a 3 yr old. I look at my children and truly only want the best for them. I want to be ever so patient, never raising my voice, never doing all this things I said I would never to when I was a parent...oh the list endless...and now seeing that many things on the list I have said or done. At times a total failure to the only job I have...a parent. How can I ever be annoyed with another "why" question on the ride home? How can I watch the clock as if my "job" has clock in and clock out hours...and I can wait for my time? Why do I love to outdoor play, but again want to do things around the house or make that not important phone call instead?

I guess because these are lessons still unlearned. And so I am glad to have more chances...glad to be able to wake up every morning and make the conscious decision to be the human I want shadowed by my innocent boys. cause boy are they shadows of all that we do and say....and to have someone with unconditional love thinking that they way we do it is best is a lot of pressure but oh so worth it!

So i leave the computer to be in the "now." There are dump trucks to be be played with, books to be read, food to be cooked....and endless moments to learn and teach to be human in this foreign place!

kitchen man!

chocolate cake, pancakes, biscuits and eggs, baked ziti, pasta, fish...anything that can be baked or cooked..Cedar is your man! Cedar is truly in love with the kitchen..not to mention the time he attempted to make Orien a veggie burger on a burner (no pan needed) (while mommy was upstairs and smelt something) a little fire but was was fine!!! It has been fun watching Cedar and Daddy in the kitchen...he leaves almost no room and insists that any job is for him!! Here are some pics of him making, baking and eating the latest homemade chocolate cake....YUMMY!!!!

Happy Birthday Jody!!

Yes, I know I am late...but with good excuse we were all on a vacation in North Carolina visiting the family! So the BIG 30 has come and gone...but with plenty of celebration!! From the mega boat of sushi, to the wonderful cake, we celebrated! Our trip was a fun and busy one filled with time to feed the pigs on the farm near Mimis and Grandpas house, to park play, storytimes, cooking help from Cedar, visiting Auntie B and Uncle Jeff...the boys had a blast..and came back exhausted!! We even snuck aways from time to time without the kiddos and saw Taj Mahal and a wonderful bluegrass group the Carolina Chocolat Drops..check them out on myspace a great group!! Here are a few photos of the trip....

And now we are back home..funny how nice home can feel....The boys have refound all of there toys, have played outside for hours in the sandbox....and are getting back int the groove hopefully off to do some skiing and snow play before it all melts away in the mountains!!

That feeling

I realized today I have returned to what I love and what creates love for me. She was not ever gone..in fact she is impossible to miss, but today she reintroduced herself to me. I sat amongst her for hours, laughing as Cedar skied near her, as Orien ran, grabbed snow and leaned into me for hugs, she was there glowing behind jod as he ran, played and encouraged little Cedar. She is so bold. The true source of endless energy..and being with her makes love feel so vibrant. I am in love. I am in love with Jody who gives me those looks, the ones only I catch that just simply make life full, at times over flowing. I am in love with Cedar for his endless energy to be and form into such an individual with so much character. I am in love with Orien who has such a big heart, always leaning in for a "hold me mommy" and when he says so sweetly "thank you mommy" I melt. I have such a strong love for this babe growing inside. I don't recall this intensity in the past though I know it existed..but yes in love with every movement,..in fact addicted to glasses of milk and sweets just to feel him/her move inside...as it is right now! And all of this stems from my true giver of love..the SUN.

Ahh i melt thinking of the next time we can just get outside in her warmth...and so for the past few days we have done nothing but that..when all others thought it was too cold, too windy, too late, too wintry as Jan. takes a tole on most, too early, we have been out with her..biking, playing, skiing, walking...And for that I am in Love!

Snow Play

We made it out! We just got new back country skis for Christmas and here they are in action!! Jody was the hauler on this trip, pulling the chariot loaded down with the boys and gear! It was a perfect Sunday, warm weather, fresh snow and the Rocky Mountain Nation Park. The boys were excited for the trip and Cedar knew that when we ended the trail we would head to Hidden Valley where he could try out his new downhill skis! So with only 10minutes into the ride the screaming began...OH Orien can't leave the mittens on and cries of the chill. The rest of the skiers loved his screams for sure!! And it didn't help that we saw a snowman in the beginning something else for him to cry about...where had the snowman gone??? The did both eventually pass out and leave us to a nice time in the park. Ahh, sleeping kids is such a blessing! We made it back to the car, headed to the downhill area where Cedar showed us his skills! He did get down a couple times..acting completely delirious laughing the entire time!! Needs a little more balance and he'll be ready for the blacks!!!! Love snow in Colorado!

The One Pounder!!

Oh..the official first photo of baby ??? yup, went in for our ultrasound to see the babe do its little dance..and yes was very active! So not like my other kids!!!!!Happy to report all body parts are present, in there proper spots and growing as they should!! Already 22 weeks down and will deliver most likely on May 16th.( anybody know if this is a good date?) Yes, this whole scheduled C-section is a bit weird but it is what it is. After 2 unplanned C's the medical world pretty much stops the birthing from happening..and as of right now I have a "low lying placenta" which if it doesn't move is cause for a C as well....So well get another peek at the babe in 10 weeks to see where that darn placenta is and go from there!! Feel great,the babe moves lots, and am happy to report the babe weighs a pound..wait a minute how have I gained more then 1????

Names you ask??? of course we don't have any and if we did would we tell ,nope!! So the mystery continues..what is it in this belly!!

to the New Year

Ahh, It feels truly refreshing to be entering a new year. It seems that just simply starting a new year puts the idea of "new" in every part of out lives out here in Colorado. After returning from MN Land of the truly crazy..those who love the COLD and I mean COLD temps and grey days...there sure are a lot of wonderful people willing to stick it out! what is the secret..i have lost it!!!

Anyways, we are back and full of fresh starts. Cedar just went to his first day of "school." for better lack of words..A cute little home with Ms. Red who has been working Waldorf style for over 10 years with little ones. I was impressed..no tears, no hanging on the leg...just a quite Cedar ready for a new adventure! And he liked it..from the sledding to baking bread, painting, circle time (singing, dancing, stories, calendars) to snacks the time flew and he is ready from more next week!! He said "I was a little shy, quiet when you left" but from a friend who visited that day she said he was anything but shy by an hour into it!

As for Orien the life of a 20 month old is full of "NO, MINE, More" to pick the top 3! Tough he does talk non-stop with Cedar around..he missed Cedar on school day but was excited to head to Music..where he is anything but shy! Watch out world cause Orien is full of energy and loves to flirt his way through all social events!!

As for me..well just trying to find a new groove...attempting to get outside everyday with the kiddos on walks, hikes, skis whatever the weather brings! Fresh air can really out be in good spirits. Also trying to work on the boys scrapbooks..(something to be leery of ever starting!!), working out at the gym for some "me" time..and preparing for the babe..who will already be here in around 4 months!! And the biggest ,practicing patience and calmness in days of craziness!! So there youy have it..Cheers to a new year!