My mind has been racing with all those questions we have all pondered, discussed, re-discussed, and re-thought about. I wake up with my family here, the kids running around a hotel room playing with Mimi and Grandpa Rick..grabbed the best breakfast at Meadow Mountain Cafe, said goodbye yet again and listened to the sobs of Cedar the entire drive home saying I love mimi and grandpa..As usual i needed my Internet fix, my escape from reality..but this time all that came was a major reality check..as I read the random comments on face book, yes face book (no laughing) I came across an old high school friends comment that her good friend, a friend/acquaintance of mine from my high school running days had died.
I was stopped dead in my tracks. I knew of this women fighting cancer only months earlier,and haven't probably chatted since we left the high school days but there it was a memorial for a women only of the age of 29...she has been present in my thoughts lately, filing them actually..with the whys, hows, what ifs of life..and then it was there...in fact the moment i found out of her death was the moment her memorial service was starting in MN.
I still haven't been able to wrap myself around this idea. the idea that she was here living, laughing, loving, marrying, feeling pain,and now dead. How does it feel at that very moment? Does our body produce some amazing hormone that just lets it all go? It there a feeling of euphoria? Do you just know when to say goodbye? Does your new life begin in an instant?does the pain really end? I HOPE SO..
I remember the first time I held true fear and then was able to let it go..I have always been nervous of flying and then there we were in a little 4 seater plane flying in Alaska. Jody, Cedar the pilot and myself. I felt sick, out of control, and then it all changed this feeling of calmness,as if there was a pause in life above the water mountains and i wasn't afraid..in fact thought I could die and all would be ever so calm..would it have been who knows...Is that how it feels..because as i wrote this I feel pain for this women, pain for her family and a numbness that can be described. You are here and then you die......
Monday, October 20, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
This I Believe
driving home from a nice run at the gym
NPR on in the background..while my mind did the usual racing of "to do's"
no kids in the car so I can actually hear and really hear the radio
the broadcast of This I believe starts..
my hair on my arm begins to lift up and my eyes soften ready for tears
A man with a calm,soothing voice begins to tell his story
an early birth of there first, emergency C to save the mother/wife having major complications
he talks so full of Love as if every bone in his body stands full of compassion...
empathy fills my mind
the baby born..first able to hold him, then only rubbing his delicate hands through an incubator, then no touch, eventually death
too young for his delicate lungs to stay alive
and yet this man seems to calm scribing the last hours with his son how thankful that he spent everyone minute of his sons life with him
the strength of so many people....ad he says what i need to hear
like a church bell at noon so loud you cant miss it
Love every minute of your children's existence..seems so easy yet taken for granted
then I surround myself in a new group that same day talking about C0-op education-homeschooling
with the same final tone...they are so little for such a short time..seems i am in a beautiful space,
this is when I know that there just are some days where every moment happens for a reason
that feeling of coming up for fresh air and filling my lungs with newness and simplicity that, and reminders... love and happiness are truly all we need and need to give...
NPR on in the background..while my mind did the usual racing of "to do's"
no kids in the car so I can actually hear and really hear the radio
the broadcast of This I believe starts..
my hair on my arm begins to lift up and my eyes soften ready for tears
A man with a calm,soothing voice begins to tell his story
an early birth of there first, emergency C to save the mother/wife having major complications
he talks so full of Love as if every bone in his body stands full of compassion...
empathy fills my mind
the baby born..first able to hold him, then only rubbing his delicate hands through an incubator, then no touch, eventually death
too young for his delicate lungs to stay alive
and yet this man seems to calm scribing the last hours with his son how thankful that he spent everyone minute of his sons life with him
the strength of so many people....ad he says what i need to hear
like a church bell at noon so loud you cant miss it
Love every minute of your children's existence..seems so easy yet taken for granted
then I surround myself in a new group that same day talking about C0-op education-homeschooling
with the same final tone...they are so little for such a short time..seems i am in a beautiful space,
this is when I know that there just are some days where every moment happens for a reason
that feeling of coming up for fresh air and filling my lungs with newness and simplicity that, and reminders... love and happiness are truly all we need and need to give...
Thursday, October 2, 2008
That is my girl
Yeah at 4.5 months Truth is becoming her own little self...planning her times to be awake and asleep..of course she prefers to chat away the afternoons while the boys nap (smart to get in her own time with mommy, bummer for mommy to not have alone time!)...she is a chatter bug..making her fun sounds and silly spitting noises! So I am off to hear her chatter and smile away.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)