And then you die

My mind has been racing with all those questions we have all pondered, discussed, re-discussed, and re-thought about. I wake up with my family here, the kids running around a hotel room playing with Mimi and Grandpa Rick..grabbed the best breakfast at Meadow Mountain Cafe, said goodbye yet again and listened to the sobs of Cedar the entire drive home saying I love mimi and grandpa..As usual i needed my Internet fix, my escape from reality..but this time all that came was a major reality check..as I read the random comments on face book, yes face book (no laughing) I came across an old high school friends comment that her good friend, a friend/acquaintance of mine from my high school running days had died.

I was stopped dead in my tracks. I knew of this women fighting cancer only months earlier,and haven't probably chatted since we left the high school days but there it was a memorial for a women only of the age of 29...she has been present in my thoughts lately, filing them actually..with the whys, hows, what ifs of life..and then it was there...in fact the moment i found out of her death was the moment her memorial service was starting in MN.

I still haven't been able to wrap myself around this idea. the idea that she was here living, laughing, loving, marrying, feeling pain,and now dead. How does it feel at that very moment? Does our body produce some amazing hormone that just lets it all go? It there a feeling of euphoria? Do you just know when to say goodbye? Does your new life begin in an instant?does the pain really end? I HOPE SO..

I remember the first time I held true fear and then was able to let it go..I have always been nervous of flying and then there we were in a little 4 seater plane flying in Alaska. Jody, Cedar the pilot and myself. I felt sick, out of control, and then it all changed this feeling of calmness,as if there was a pause in life above the water mountains and i wasn't afraid..in fact thought I could die and all would be ever so calm..would it have been who knows...Is that how it feels..because as i wrote this I feel pain for this women, pain for her family and a numbness that can be described. You are here and then you die......