Lessons still unlearned

There are times I feel like a preschooler.

Still quite foreign to this whole human role, especially the mommy role. I think of Cedar and Orien often and have to remember that they are truly figuring out how to be human...how to be a person, respond with emotions that are "acceptable,"sadly hiding many as they age, and finds that we surly aren't allowed the freedom of 3 yr old tantrums much past 3. Why not I ask myself from time to time as I know Cedar must think tantrums are normal watching his mommy freak out about something unimportant but in the moment the only reality in sight.

He has to find where being patient can help. The idea that everything isn't going to come with
instant gratification. Again I understand that to him time is "now" and only now. Something I as an adult would like to be able to go back to. That the only thing important is "now" and that all other lists, people, plans can wait because truly living in the now would make so much more since. But the human way is full of focusing on the future or past. We must be crazy to spend all of our time waiting for the tomorrows or focusing on the yesterdays. To Cedar there is the now, the nap times, and the after nap time nows!!! No such thing as days and hours, who needs them!

Another learning... why we chat with total strangers. The how to smile at the stranger that we pass, because who really want to see anyone in any emotional state except the happy....for instance today as I got out of my car and a man kindly walked by and said hello I did as I should and said "hello" back. To Cedars response, "why did that man say hello? Does he love you??" Funny I thought but now realize another learning to him. Strangers are people who can be kind and they don't have to know you at all to chat with you!

It seems as these leanings are simple...but as a trained "human" that is where I too feel like a 3 yr old. I look at my children and truly only want the best for them. I want to be ever so patient, never raising my voice, never doing all this things I said I would never to when I was a parent...oh the list endless...and now seeing that many things on the list I have said or done. At times a total failure to the only job I have...a parent. How can I ever be annoyed with another "why" question on the ride home? How can I watch the clock as if my "job" has clock in and clock out hours...and I can wait for my time? Why do I love to outdoor play, but again want to do things around the house or make that not important phone call instead?

I guess because these are lessons still unlearned. And so I am glad to have more chances...glad to be able to wake up every morning and make the conscious decision to be the human I want shadowed by my innocent boys. cause boy are they shadows of all that we do and say....and to have someone with unconditional love thinking that they way we do it is best is a lot of pressure but oh so worth it!

So i leave the computer to be in the "now." There are dump trucks to be be played with, books to be read, food to be cooked....and endless moments to learn and teach to be human in this foreign place!